The following entry contains enormous spoilers and heated ranting. You have been warned.
I wanted to love Sweet Valley Confidential. Really I did. I was all set to review it in the style of this blog, but now that I’ve done with it, I’m afraid that’s just not possible. Instead, I’m here to vent my spleen. Hard.
I haven’t received my UK copy of Sweet Valley Confidential yet, but I have read another blogger’s recap and am appropriately horrified by all of the pairings and bizarre personality transplants that takes place within it. I am sure I will enjoy reading it on the same level that I enjoyed reading the similarly OOC Senior Year series, but it will not become anything like canon in my mind.
For anyone who’s remotely interested, here’s how my own personal post-Sweet-Valley canon goes:
Jessica Wakefield has many flings and eventually becomes a professional sociopath socialite – someone who is famous only for being famous. She remains frenemies with Lila Fowler and continues to steal other women’s boyfriends. At the age of thirty-three, she marries a much older man and lives off her subsequent inheritance for the rest of her life.
Elizabeth Wakefield never breaks into the big time as a writer, but does find herself a steady job working on the local newspaper. After dating Todd and breaking up with him a few more times, she eventually ends up with Enid Rollins and the two women have three children using donor sperm from Steven Wakefield.
When it comes to Steven, by the way, I’m actually quite happy with SVC‘s version. No spoilers, though.
Lila Fowler and Bruce Patman get married. THIS IS THE ONE THING I TRULY CARE ABOUT. They break up and threaten divorce about once a year, but are actually the happiest couple in Sweet Valley. Bruce still has his Porsche.
Todd Wilkins gets a basketball scholarship to university, but goes into a decline after injuries cut short what was expected to be a very average career. Thanks to AA, he gets his life back on track and eventually marries a woman who is eerily similar to Elizabeth.
Enid Rollins comes out during the first week of university and becomes very active with both the GLBTQ and Women’s departments at SVU. After graduating, she finds work as a drugs & alcohol counsellor before finally realising her life’s dream and getting together with Elizabeth.
Winston Egbert finds that his looks improve with age and spends the first few years after high-school delighting in scorning the advances of all the girls who wouldn’t give him the time of day at SVH. He makes a decent living as a professional comedian and there’s talk of him getting his own show on Cable.
The Droids release a YouTube video that goes viral, resulting in two brief weeks of blissful fame before they become old meme. Dana now makes a living singing advertising jingles.
Annie Whitman is a key name in the sex-positive feminism movement.
Caroline Pearce has a celebrity gossip blog that receives thousands of hits every day.
And Olivia Davidson is still dead. So is Regina Morrow.
Sweet Valley Spy 